As I sit down to write this letter, Charlie Kirk, who was assassinated exactly a week ago, and Tyler Robinson, the alleged assassin, are top of mind. So are the perpetrators and victims of hundreds of school shootings in the United States, from the one that happened in Colorado the same day to Columbine in 1999. Those who have died due to gang violence. Hijackers in the September 11 attacks. The Southern Poverty Law Center has identified more than a thousand hate and antigovernment groups in the U.S. There are a lot of radicalizing forces out there, and a lot of those being radicalized are young men. 

Memories of growing up somewhat near the Aryan Nations compound in Northern Idaho visited me this week. When I was in high school, I worked as a lifeguard at a waterslide park, and I still vividly remember turning around to tell the next person in line they could go down the slide and discovering I was waving on a young man with a shaved head and a swastika tattooed on his forehead. I had not felt that level of fear before, and I don’t think I have since; that entire day I was panicked trying to avoid him—just wanting the day to end so I could get home. It makes me wonder: Why was he so angry? What’s he doing now? How could he ever have gotten a job? 

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning, impulse control and decision making, doesn’t fully mature until around age 25. How many of these radicalized young men would have made different choices if they had been just a couple of years older? 

It’s incredibly important for adults to model healthy conflict resolution and communication, to be able to disagree with someone peacefully, not to be consumed with anger, if for nothing else than the sake of those developing prefrontal cortexes. “Let cooler heads prevail” is the adage, and for many of us, that’s an easier or a more desirable approach with age. It won’t solve the problem, but I suspect it will help. 

Wishing you healthy emotional modeling this October,

Shannon